My wife just doesn’t find me sexually attractive. We’ve been together 20 years, no kids. I had been making excuses for why we hardly had sex (about 5 times a year for the last 15 years and only once since January this year). I mostly told myself that it was her chronic fatigue and arthritis and that she just rarely felt good enough or had the energy to want to knock boots.
We had a good sex life in our first few years together–frequent and playful. We both liked the sex we were having. But after we got married we had to confront her infertility and our sex life really slowed down. The sex we had for a while remained good, but then it became clear she wasn’t that interested in me. She always shot down my attempts at initiation.
We only had sex when she initiated and in those instances she always wanted to get through foreplay as fast as possible and would end sex as soon as she came even if I hadn’t. I was basically a living dildo. She stopped listening to anything I said about what I liked and didn’t like in bed. Eventually, I stopped initiating as constant rejection was demeaning and certainly wasn’t worth the type of sex she was interested in having.
It’s worse now outside of the bedroom, too, physically. She doesn’t want to kiss me. When I hug her, she lets me, but doesn’t put her arms around me. If we cuddle, it is just me holding her. She likes when I massage her, but never reciprocates or does anything in response. When we were getting ready to go out the other day, I asked her if I looked ok and she said “No one cares. You are a guy.”
To be clear, she likes spending time with me. She wants me to do things with her in the evening–watch a show, play a game, listen to music together. We discuss our days, art, politics, etc. We have fun date nights, go on fun vacations, and get each other nice gifts. While she is fine with me doing things with my friends without her at times, she has made it clear she prefers me to be around. She’s very appreciative of all the work I do around the house. She does nice things for me outside of the bedroom and at least when I’m in earshot, speaks highly of me to her friends. (I have no reason to think she says bad things when I’m out of earshot). So, I think she is reasonably happy with me as a non-sexual life partner and I’d bet from the outside it looks like we have a wonderful marriage. She just isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore and I don’t think there is much I can do to fix that.
It’s not her chronic fatigue or pain. Her conditions are real enough (she gets good care for them), but she finds time for her hobbies and tiredness doesn’t prevent hugs or compliments. She has energy for things she wants to do. Sex with me isn’t one of those things.
I have no reason to think she is having an affair. She only travels for work once or twice a year and is almost never out at night without me. Her job is crazy demanding, so I would be shocked if she’s sneaking in anything during the day. There are no suspicious financial charges, etc. I know her phone password, but never look and she just leaves it around. (I suppose she could use her work phone). So it’s not like it is impossible, but I have no reason to suspect anything.
I do think her base libido is on the low end. I’ve never had any evidence in our 20 years together that she masturbates. She might, but if she does, she hides it well and never mentions it. (She doesn’t own any toys and thinks they are disgusting).
She was always clear what she liked and didn’t in bed, would end sex if she wasn’t feeling it, and generally came easily. No I don’t think she faked that–she’s a lousy actor and I’d assume rapid vaginal contractions are hard to fake. So I don’t think anything in the bedroom caused this.
To be clear, I know she doesn’t owe me sex. I’m not nagging, whiny, pushy, or anything like that. Yes, we’ve talked about it. She feels bad that I feel neglected, but has made it clear she doesn’t see our sex life as something that should be a priority to improve or that would require any sort of counseling to fix either. (She distrusts counseling in general). It’s just not an issue for her and isn’t willing to do anything to fix it. She’d rather put energy into finding a better job and figuring out how to better manage her health issues.
The hard time we went through with infertility just killed my wife seeing me as a sexual being and maybe killed her seeing herself as a sexual being. I don’t think there is any way to reverse that given she doesn’t see it as a problem. I need to accept that fact and decide what that means for me and our marriage. My eyes are finally open.